Birth trauma is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. The things we go through as women to bring life into the world are beautiful, miraculous and a lot of the time traumatic as hell. We hear all the time that birth is a beautiful experience, your body is designed for it and those statements are not wrong entirely. Close to 45 percent of women describe their delivery as a traumatic experience and that number is rising. I talk a lot about my experiences through pregnancy and motherhood because I think sharing our experiences brings us all closer. Maybe it can bring someone somewhere comfort in knowing they aren’t alone. Plus, the more we learn the better we can advocate for ourselves. Birth trauma can look like a lot of different things for different people. It could be an induction, a cesarean, a hemorrhage, lack of support, lack of consent, lack of communication or a number of other causes.The thing about birth trauma is that in my opinion they are all immeasurable. They can affect each individual immediately or months later, they can feel all consuming or they may be a quiet pain you feel. But it is important to acknowledge the pain, no matter how big or small.
My first experience with birth trauma was with my first delivery. I was only 22 years old at the time and quite naive if I'm being completely honest. I started leaking amniotic fluid but they didn’t think I was in labor so they sent me home to wait. I felt concerned about the risk of infection, I felt confused, I felt unheard but I went home and waited for the call. Finally they brought me in and induced me which went horribly. The labour came on fast and hard. I cried, I screamed, I was scared. Our little Brooklyn got stuck in the birth canal so we tried positioning, we tried the vacuum twice and nothing was working. Her heart rate was dropping so at one point I remember them holding the oxygen on my face yelling at me that they were going to take me for an emergency c section. The next thing I know the doctors are panicking because our poor girl just couldn’t take it any longer and they held the forceps up in front of me and said they were about to use them. They attempted a forcep removal….twice before finally delivering our baby Brooklyn. Finally, after all of that I received pain medication while they sutured me. I had 3rd degree tears and honestly at that point was so traumatized by the whole experience.I never truly dealt with the trauma from my first delivery, I just lived with it.
A few years later we decided to have another baby and we were thrilled, we told our families, we told Brooklyn, my workplace was informed and everyone was over the moon. I remember telling my doctor that something didn’t seem right around 11 weeks and he assured me I was fine. Once again, I felt unheard but he was the expert. The next day I started bleeding and I knew I had lost the pregnancy. This felt like a blow to my soul. It hurt. I called my doctor to let him know what was happening and he told me to meet him at the hospital right away. I had to go alone because we had no support where we lived meaning Jonathan stayed home with Brooklyn during this time. The whole experience was extremely uncomfortable for me. I did have to have a D&C because I was retaining placenta which was really upsetting. I wanted to be home with my family and it just wasn’t possible. Something happened during the procedure so they ended up intubating me, I was completely out. After the fact nobody explained why I just went home and lived with the trauma.
That brings us to our twin pregnancy, which if you’ve read my previous blog posts that explain how that went. We were completely shocked by the news that we were having twins but quickly adjusted to what would be our new reality. It was the type of news that overshadowed all of our doubts and worries about miscarrying. Once we got through the first trimester we were cautiously relieved. At our 19 week ultrasound we got devastating news. This was during the peak of the pandemic so I attended all of these appointments/L&D visits/admissions alone. The doctor that reviewed my ultrasound decided I needed to go to the hospital right away. I was about to go into preterm labour as my cervix had shortened drastically and was funneling. At least 6 doctors saw me that evening while I sat in the hospital alone. They told me my babies likely wouldn't make it to viability and if they did they would still be born extremely premature. By that evening I was brought in for an emergency cervical cerclage. The evidence of whether these cerclages are successful in a twin pregnancy is extremely underwhelming, my doctors were not confident this was going to help. For the next few weeks I had a lot of ultrasounds and each time they sent me straight to the hospital. Some of the team urged for an admission until delivery but with a small child at home and no support we didn't have much of a choice in the matter. The weeks leading up to our delivery I felt like a zombie, I had so much anxiety and worry that I felt numb. I didn’t really know what was going to happen. At 29 weeks I officially went into labour and we made the 1.5 hour drive to the hospital. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt before, I'm not sure if that was because of the cerclage but at that moment I thought there was a good chance I may die. That sounds very dramatic looking back now…. I know.. but that's honestly what I thought. I had to fight the team tooth and nail to have a vaginal delivery but it was the one time I felt like I wanted to advocate for myself and my girls. Thankfully it worked out in the end, I delivered Briar and then Brielle through a breech delivery. They were extremely little, they were immediately taken away with the NICU team. It was difficult for me, very difficult but they were safe with one of the best teams in the country.
Throughout our time in the NICU and after we brought the twins home I did a lot of self reflecting and working on myself. I felt it was important to acknowledge the traumas I’ve experienced and deal with them through mindfulness, therapy, journaling and general discussion with my husband and friends. It helped a lot. Through sharing our journey I’ve been blessed to meet so many other amazing mama’s online that have experienced similar traumas and it’s been truly therapeutic discussing these things with them and hearing their stories.
My biggest take away for people dealing with birth trauma is that YOU are the only person who can define your experience. It truly does not matter what anyone else thinks, the only thing that matters is how you feel. Your feelings are valid. You grieving the experience you wanted but did not get is valid. There are just simply too many things that cause birth trauma for anyone in your life to dictate your feelings and I want you to know that I hear you, I see you and I’m available to chat if you want to talk through your feelings with someone. I will be your person.
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Jenna Thomas
I am a mother of three currently living in Alberta, Canada. I work full time as a nurse and started this blog as a way to express my struggles with the day to day aspects of being a mom/caregiver, recovering from trauma and PTSD, among other things.
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